Pollen
Essentially a diary entry about spring + rituals.
Springtime feels like a reward, at least in places that have seasons like New York. When the crocuses first climb out of the grass, it feels like overnight when they pop up someone comes along and switches out my rundown brain with a fresher and happier one.
Routine and ritual are the same, but calling a routine the more stylish “ritual” makes it seem so mindful and spiritual. Rituals are understood to be every day, and that’s good according to my first therapist ever in college, but oftentimes a daily ritual fills me with dread, unless I believe really hard that it’s meditative. It’s annoying to get in the shower, annoying to put lotion on my body after a shower, and annoying to do skincare. Why is it annoying to do something purely for myself though? I also always regret skipping these things. I lose the concept of caring for my future self in a vague way even if the future is just an hour away.
Skincare, I don’t know if I believe the products more than moisturizer (and sunscreen during the day) work, but every so often I have the patience for the full sensory experience of it. My first therapist (again) told me doing my skincare routine every night was a good meditative activity, even if not physically helpful, it’s mind clearing.1 There is something relaxing about rubbing a bunch of goo on your face until you can’t notice it. The gentle massage, the eventual disappearance of the goo, and occasionally the smell can ground you, but you need to commit to it, which I rarely do. Who has the patience!
I often feel like I’m living in a cycle that won’t break. Every day is the same. As soon as I break one curse, there’s a new or similar one a day away. Daily rituals feel like a chore and it’s hard to find joy in the mundanity, even with a fantastic upbeat soundtrack. However, spring rituals and traditions are nothing but pure joy for me.
I have three big spring traditions or rituals: the year’s first shave, rewatching Ouran High School Host Club, and baking magnolia cookies. The first shave of the year kind of sucks. It’s the most labor intensive of shaves. The older I get, the more I think the result isn’t even worth it. The other two things are awesome though.
Ouran High School Host Club2 is my favorite anime (and TV show generally) of all time. It’s the TV show equivalent of a warm hug for me. Like clockwork, I rewatch it every spring, and temporarily forget all of the problems of adult life. All of the sudden, I’m eleven years old sitting in my humid family computer room, discovering new anime on YouTube, and falling in love with a series I’ve never heard of, never destined to get a second season. Honestly, it should stay that way. There’s no improving upon perfection.
As for baking, the recipe for magnolia cookies I use is from Alexis Nikole Nelson aka Black Forager. I always adapt her recipe a little each time I make them. I like to mix mochi rice flour with the all purpose flour because I like to think it makes the cookies a little chewier. One year I added in dates and walnuts which was a great choice. My changes are rarely noted, but I really should jot them down. When I finish baking, I usually give some cookies to my friends because I have too many. Sometimes they just disappear in my household.
Usually, I bake my cookies and watch Ouran High School Host Club together. It creates peace within me. A balance is restored. If you think this sounds dramatic, it might be, or maybe, again, you just don’t have seasons. I know the yearly rewatch of Ouran is a thing among many fans. If you are a fan or know any huge fans of the show, you already know how we mourn the second season that never was. So much time has passed that now we want a reboot that also won’t happen. So we all stay watching the same 26 episodes over and over again. I watch them joyfully. Yeah, a second season would’ve been nice, but I don’t think perfection should be added on to.
I’m incredibly thankful for the change in seasons because it’s also given me something to write about. Something simple, imperfect, sure, but something nonetheless. Over the past few months, I have found difficulty reading and writing, both things that have been normal parts of my day for years. Maybe this is my brain’s way of rebelling against my heart. Research for non-personal works has been incredibly tedious, and writing personal works has been emotionally exhausting. Writing as a process for me has never been fun necessarily. I always end up staying up later than planned or falling down some research rabbithole that helps me eventually, but not in the moment. I hone over every sentence until I don’t know what’s good quality anymore. When I’m officially done though, I’m pacified that there’s a final result. I love finding an image or collaging some sort of thumbnail on Canva, even if sometimes it’s hard to translate my writing into an image. I love clicking the publish button. It’s so fun to be done. Writing is hard, but having written gives me a rush. I especially love all three people that like and comment on my posts. My words are for me, but they’re lowkey for you too.
Tennis’s (the band, not the sport) “Pollen Song” is a beautiful song about spring’s start, although it’s in contrast with my love for spring. Alaina Moore of Tennis’s explains the song for 1883 Magazine (and others on the album Pollen):
“Pollen is connected to the changing of seasons, so one sentiment I tried to express in the song, “Pollen Song,” is about how it’s really difficult for me to just be in the moment of natural beauty, and accept and appreciate, be present in that, because you’re very wrapped up in the sense that it will all fade away. There’s a lot of things about understanding seasons of life and knowing that no matter how good something is, it will go away eventually, which I guess connects back to “Forbidden Doors” about always leaving something behind to move to the next thing. So it’s a very sprawling metaphor. It’s not that succinct, but how it meant so much on a zoomed out sense and on a really personal individual sense.”
Even though I doubt Moore looks forward to spring, the song is a good reminder that everything ends. Towards “Pollen Song’s” end, Moore is done expressing her gripes with her seasonal allergies, moves on, and drives along. Her issues with spring align more with my general issues with life, feeling trapped in a cycle like I already spoke about, but ultimately my position in life is a blessing, and its eventual change is a blessing too. Appreciate the seasons before they change, and even if you can’t find anything to appreciate, that’s okay, they will change again.
Doing it while listening to music may defeat the purpose, but I do it anyway otherwise my ears get bored.
Plot synopsis from MyAnimeList for the uninitiated:
”Haruhi Fujioka is a studious girl who has recently enrolled at the prestigious Ouran Academy. One day, while looking for a quiet and peaceful place to study, she stumbles across a seemingly unused music room. Upon entering, Haruhi is welcomed by the members of the well-known Host Club: a club in which attractive boys amuse girls from across the entire school. However, when Tamaki Suou—the founder and president of the club—startles the bright scholarship student, she accidentally breaks an expensive vase.
With repayment looking difficult for Haruhi, the Host Club members come up with the perfect solution to the girl's problem: work for the club and ultimately become a Host herself! Mistaken for a boy by her peers, Haruhi has to entertain various female students while coping with her fellow Hosts' extravagant personalities.”
Love :)